How to deal with loss?

This year has been a bitch...mind my words. I have been dealing with loss, over loss, over loss. True to be told, I have had it good compared with those who lost more than I did. First, my best friend was taken by complications after a brain tumor surgery. After that, I had to move out of a house I loved because I had racist roommates, around the same time, the person who stood by me when my friend died went away and never contacted me again and, later on, I lost my 26 year old cousin to a car accident.

People say "count your blessings, but here I am today, writing to get some sense of understading, of resignation towards everything that has been shaking my world non stop. Yesterday would have been my best friend's birthday, today my cousin's. Life is full of coincidences, isn't it?

So...I went to mass today and asked for them or to them, not really sure what it was. I miss my best friend and I am terribly sorry about my young, fun and loving cousin. And here is the sick thing. I am also terribly sorry for me. I am ok, I smile, I sing, I work, I play guitar and go to friend's gatherings, but in the back of my mind there is this incomplete passage, a yearning to be in a place where they're still here. Where I am still in my old home, where no one left.

I wish I would stop listening to my best friend's voice messages, or reading my cousin's boyfriend facebook page. I wish I would stop reminding myself that I have no idea what to do or how to deal with this, but that at some point I have to. How do we heal? I wonder how can we ever overcome loss that big, the knowledge that the person you chose and by whom you were chosen to see the good, the bad and the ugly, has left for good. How does this miracle happen, in which we become resilient to the pain, to the emptiness that settles in the soul after one, and two, and three....

     

  

What do people thank me for??

I have been trying to give an answer to this. Actually, I have been trying to give an action to this... I don't really have a concrete action people thank me for. I have been thanked for making people laugh, doing favors, giving presents, helping someone in some way. I realized, with this question, that I would really like to do more things for others. I actually have been trying to find a volunteering job on weekends...so I hope I get more done, so I can actually tell you a concrete action people thank me for.

Right now I can only think about one thing that really surprised me. A few years ago, a woman who used to be my boss thanked me for inspiring her to go persue a postgraduate degree. She is a super hard working and a really smart woman so I always looked up to her... I most definitely never thought she would thank me for taking another step in her career. It is funny, but I think that I am thankful that she thanked me. As meta as that might seem one thing is knowing why or who inspired you to do something, another is actually letting that person know they change you for the better. 

Crazy little thing called Anger (grrrrrr)

  Today’s Live your legend challenge could not be more appropriate. I am supposed to write about what really makes me angry about the world and, to be sincere, too many things make me angry at the moment. I will first define in one word all the things that infuriate me: injustice. That, I think is my biggest frustration and also my main motor.
As I said, this question could not be more timely. Today the UN urged Mexico to consider an expert-group´s recommendations on the Ayotzinapa case. Also, Save the Children alerted about the half-million teenage pregnancies registered in Mexico every year and I read an article on children sexual exploitation occurring in Acapulco, Guerrero. So, as you might see there is a very clear thread in my frustrations: it is all about injustice.

Injustice in Mexico, as it happens in the US and propably in many other parts of the world goes accompanied by inequality and poverty. The cases I mentioned above have those common ingredients; they normally happen to the poor, to those who from the beggining have less opportunities. In the US these are normally the minorities, while in Mexico it is also true; our majority-minority -indiginous people- are normally the ones who suffer injustice. Neverthless, injustice is pretty much generalized, it goes hand in hand with corruption and lack of accountability...ohh... and I am probably missing the failure of institutions. Yes, I am painting a pretty gloom scene here, but if I describe things this way I guess it is pretty self-explainatory why injustice makes me so angry.

When I was in elementary school my teacher told us to write a speech about a social issue present in our community and somehow I wrote about justice...well... the lack of it. I started by describing the kids on the street, the ones we call "limpiaparabrisas" and who have become an inherent part of our cities. Then, I wondered how could it be that I got to be in school and they did not... and finally I described justice as a human value that if apply purely and clearly brings us closer to perfection. But injustice for those kids was a bigger problem, it was not about the parents being unfair and not sending them to school, it was a systemic injustice. The kind of problem I could only understand years later, when I found out that things are always more complicated than they seem. 

So here I am today, still wondering how a person can be just when the whole system is unaccountable and flawed. I guess that is a very philosophical question, but maybe is also a very important one. How many times have we been the victims of injustice? how many times have we been the perpetrators of it? How much our wrong doings contribute to the systemic failures? If all my babbling was not enough,I'll end this post with a wonderful letter that is just as compelling today as it was when first published. It is an invitation to see beyond what we normally see, a reminder that injustice is pervasive and a call to get angry and to get going; to find or build a road to fairness and equality.  

Let us begin

Sometimes I write and then, I stop. It used to be so easy facing the blank page with joy and the hope that something interesting would come up. After all, I did study communication and not so long ago, I thought I would be... I am not sure what, but in my mind, my job would involve writing. I probably became a little insufferable when one of my teachers told me that my writing reminded him of Edgar Allan Poe's stories. I was a snowflake. I was THE snowflake.

Time went by, life happend and little by little I stoped feeling like a snowflake... I am more like slush these days. Partially melted, more watery than flowy and probably with a lot of artificial flavors...much more earthy and much less unique. 

But let us begin. My twenty-somenthings going on thirthy-something friends have contagious plans. One of them is about to start a year-long trip with her husband.  They will go see the world because YOLO and because this is a once in a lifetime chance to live a wonderful experience that will probably change her and her relationship with the world forever. It is hard not to feel inspired by that. When inquiring about her plans and how she came to be so brave, I learnt that she's part of a community named live your legend...which to me sounds like a mix between the optimist club and the boyscouts, all so full with good intentions and so cheery to their fellow dreamers. So here I am...a girlscout in disguise. A dreamer in the flesh of a cat lady. Although, I  most say I am allergic to cats. 

Nevermind the cats.. I have orchids and a flowery couch. That should serve. I am back to the publising "my wiritng" just in case a wondering reader comes along and feels compelled to share a comment. This first challenge set by the "Live your Legend" team seems a little pointless since I have no idea what I want to get from blogging again. Maybe just make somebody laugh? See... I am not sure what I want to get out of joining Live your legend, I guess I want to find answers. To remember what used to inspired me? To connect with others that feel just as cofused about their career paths? To exhchange a few ideas on how to do good and do well at the same time? To find what makes me happy and also gather the courage to do it? Ok...maybe that's to much of a mission for a simple blog... but who knows... this is just the begining...